Alone
“The man who fears to be alone will never be anything but lonely, no matter how much he may surround himself with people.” -Thomas Merton
When considering what it means to be alone, to feel lonely, to suffer isolation, or to enjoy solitude it helps to have a little bravery before we get too reflective or too far down the path; a type of bravery that I do not always have. For some reason we believe, or at least I do at times, that the question of what it means to be alone, to be with just one’s self, has to be answered entirely alone. Naturally parts of the question will only make sense when no one else is around. But other aspects, I suspect, we can figure out together, collectively — for the experience of being alone is one that is shared by all of us at one time or another.
It is hard to picture a life where one is never by themselves some of the time; for at least part of each day. Such a life would probably not be that desirable, in actuality, and the cry of “Leave me alone!” or “Go away!” would be muttered before too long. I often wonder what those statements are truly asking for; what is being sought with such requests and what is given once they are granted. The truth is, we need to be alone at times. Something, or someone, is found in those moments that wouldn’t be found otherwise.
But the other truth is that once we are alone, once we finally get what we’ve asked for, we often don’t know quite what to do. This is where that bravery I mentioned helps us to stay in that confusion and discern the quality of our aloneness at that given moment. Its curious that we will often admit that we are “not ourselves today” or something similar to other people at work or home or at social gatherings. That we are difficult to get along with, because we are tired or hungry or something else altogether. And yet, do we bring that same admittance and awareness in how we get along with ourselves on a particular day? Perhaps not.
If you are like me, you spend a considerable amount of time with yourself. And when I look at all that time I’m with me is it any wonder that at times I’m difficult to spend time with. This inconsistency is why I think we need multiple words: Alone, Lonely, Isolated, Solitude to describe the conditions of our relationship with ourself and just ourself.
I am aware that loneliness is widespread, even globally, and has been for many years. I’ve read explanations for this and avenues to treat this ailment. And an ailment it seems to be. Regular community, friendship and fellowship — without a doubt these are important and I hope that you are finding ways to labor in finding them, just as I am. But in the essays that I will write for the remainder of the year I want to dig deeper past these shifts in the schedule or changes to the calendar and focus on the degrees to which we befriend ourself and remain estranged from ourself. For if the quote above is true, and I believe it is, than this rearrangement of location will not be enough. We will need to locate something within ourselves as well.
So today, I hope that you feel brave. And if you don’t, I hope that you at least believe that you can be brave. Today I hope that you are being gentle with yourself, as you ease in and out of time with others and time with just yourself. And if you can’t, I hope that you remember there is nothing easy about that transition. Today I invite you to take the time to explore the deeper regions of what it means to be you. I assure you that these regions are more bountiful and beautiful than you realize.